Harry Potter and the Artic Duel
by Bleughqu The-human-robot
Summary: This is a silly little fic we wrote for a science assignment poking fun at everybody's favorite Chosen One and his fabulously evil arch-nemesis. If you look hard enough you might see the science, it might require squinting though. Anyway peoples, enjoy!


**Harry Potter and the Arctic Duel**

AN: HELLO, PEOPLE OF EARTH! Merlin, you have no idea how much hassle this was to post :l Thank you, you lovely people for taking the time to read my offering to the great Wizard God's. I wrote this with the insane (in the perfectly good way) Jeffie, author of an interesting little fic which spills the dirty secrets of the forgotten characters. I'm not advertising (go read it now!)I'd just thought it would be correct to let her take some of the credit. Or hate. You never know. We wrote this for a Science assignment about two years ago and I just found it on my old USB, I thought I'd chuck it on here. Probably won't continue as the full scale epic tale in my head probably won't transfer well on to paper. Or words. Actually it probably doesn't make any sense :S

Oh goodness gracious, look at me, I'm babbling.

Let us get on with this thing.

**Disclaimer: I just disclaimed your ass, fic!**

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><p>Once upon a time in the sunny but twisted village of little Whinging, Voldemort, from behind the bushes, watched his arch-nemesis with a growing fury. Soon this<em> boy<em> would be at his mercy. Too bad for him that Voldemort had none. Besides, he would enjoy this!

"Harry! Harry! Wake up you good for nothing Chosen One!" What the…. Oh it's Mad eye Moody come to collect that useless Pottery boy. Why won't he die already?

"What is it Mad eye?" he asked in his pathetic voice. How old is this kid anyway, ten?

"You need to go to the arctic, boy. Voldemort will be there and… um… this story needs a plot line to follow"

"Oh my Wizard God! Siriusly?"

"Siriusly, dude.

"Do I have time to get my cloak before we leave?"

"WHAT? ARE YOU _STUPID? _This is only a short story Harry! We are running out of space!"

"OK, ok! I'm coming!"

And they apparated away. Or Disapparated, I suppose. Oh, who gives a grindylow? They're the same thing anyway!

Lord Voldy-Voldemort couldn't have asked for better terms; the duel would be in the perfect place. The arrogant boy would not even think about the location of the duel. No, the Chosen One doesn't need to worry about mundane things like numbing temperatures of 32*F and powerful winds that reach over 40 miles per hour! Oh, no! Why worry about all that?

Unlike the snotty boy, Voldemort had prepared himself. Of course he didn't _need _any of these precautions (what with being freaking immortal) but you know: snakes don't really like the cold. It's cold.

He had crafted (magically of course) the best thermal suit imaginable. It wasn't horribly clunky like those muggle ones, in fact it fit like a fabulously 80's leotard. It was fashioned from the hind of a dragon and was sewn together with the tail hairs of unicorns.

This meant that it was sturdy and the unicorn hair made it magical enough to fit to the wearers needs including when the wearer needs additional warmth. Ah! So now you see where this is going.

However, this would look silly on its own. So, Voldemort had taken the time to order Wormtail (his NO-Good-Traitor-Ratman-Slave) to visit Knockturn Alley, in the hope of purchasing some fur. He was in luck, it just so happened that they had a fresh (and completely illegal*) horde of yetti fur. Voldemort wore the fur as a cape. It was very flattering to say the least.

This was not all, however. He was wearing a plastic eye mask to protect his eyes from flying pieces of ice and snow. He had also made them invisible because it brought back painful memories from the days in which he wore glasses. Anyway, only muggle lovers wear glasses, like Potter and that ridiculous old fool, Dumbledore! (I mean, come on! You're magic! MAGIC! Why be constantly getting Hermione to fix your glasses, when he could just as easily fix your freaking eyes? Merlin! You wizards are dumb-asses.)

He had also taken the precaution of magically enlarging his feet so that his weight was dispearsed and he would not fall through the more thin ice. If he had had any form of nose (like in the first movie) then he would have had to worry about that. Nobody likes frostbite, not even evil lords.

The plan was simple. Let Potter wait in the cold for so long that by time Voldemort arrived, he would be begging him to kill him. Any fool could conjure up a warming spell but he knew that Potter was extraordinarily thick. Then, we the boy is on the floor, hallucinating about that freaky ginger girl that he likes for some reason, he will be placed under the imperius curse. Not for any purpose in particular, it had just been ages since Voldemort hadd had a good laugh is all. Then when he had laughed enough (one can only take so much happiness) he would kill him. Nice and simple.

He couldn't wait.

Sadly, there was a lot of stuff to do first, stuff that would warp his beautifully hand-crafted plan, possibly for the worst...


End file.
